Second chances?

If you know me I will profess that I am not one to give second chances, however in practice sometimes I am more forgiving than I would like to be. Whether it is because I feel that the person is worth another shot or because I feel that they have grown in understanding of material things that we previously disagreed about.

With that being said, a few years ago I met a man, and within 16 days of meeting him, I had fallen in love with him. I knew that it was more than lust because there was a sense of peace that engulfed all the little time that we spent together.

Following these 16 days, we broke things off. Various factors came into play but I do truly believe that we just met at an intersection of our lives that was equally difficult for both of us. Following this, we would have sporadic check in’s with each other as the connection was undeniable. He lived in my mind rent-free and from the conversations, I gathered that I did too.

About a year after this, with nothing to do on New Years’ Eve, he came over and we ushered the year in together. After that, I did not see him for almost two years. The sporadic texts happened here and there, but nothing came of it.

On the second of April 2022, I took a long bath as I waited for him to arrive at my place. He was visiting the country for about 2 weeks and had to fit in relatives, his daughter, and friends within that span of time. This would also include him having to travel to a neighbouring country to see more family.

And so as I soaked in the water and had my wine I waited up past my bedtime to see him. Mind you my bedtime is 08:30pm. Things kept coming up and eventually at about 10:00pm I settled into my disappointment that this was not going to happen. I texted him that it was okay. That it seemed he has overstretched himself on this trip as he had to make up for the lost COVID years with people who are genuinely more intricate to his life.

He arrived though. Famished because I had cooked supper for us and as such he didn’t eat before. He ate and the small talk was minimal as I was still struck by the fact that he was sitting on my couch. I led him upstairs to my room and switched on the lights leaving on the fairy lights that bordered the frame of my bed. At this point, he kisses me. Deeper than the first time when he walked in with a hug at the ready for me. To say that my underwear combusted into flames would be an understatement. There was not a doubt in my mind that this man wanted me. That he was certain of this moment here regardless of the long day that he had. I had his full attention and nothing was going to deter him.

We fell asleep at around 2 after I couldn’t control my giggles and smile with the small talk. At every moment in the evening when I would turn around to get more comfortable, he would follow me and pull me towards him in order to get closer. He would make sure to touch me and make sure that I knew he was there and then quickly fall asleep again. This was heaven for my touch-starved self who had been on a sex and companionship hiatus for over 5 months.

In the morning he had to leave and I was certain I would cry. Not even two hours later I had already texted him that I missed him and that he should come back. Something that was unlikely due to his schedule. For the life of me though, I needed to feel his hand back on my thigh as he held it firmly to make sure that I was present in the moment.

I was immediately drawn back to the first 16 days when we initially met. The intensity of the connection between us was drawn out because of the level of intimacy shared. The vulnerability to be open about insecurities and fears and having someone who took the time to listen. Was this about to be the same again? Having a burst of passion followed by a long absence. This was the same man that during foreplay had taken the time to kiss me everywhere that I had told him was an insecurity. Had whispered that he adored those specific places.

We spoke almost every day until he came back from out the country again. I did not expect him to come over after such a long traveling day and yet he showed up, as he said that he would. My period was expected to start within the next 48 hours and naturally, my emotions were heightened. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to baby me through it all and then never leave after that. In the morning though he had to take his daughter to school and so we packed her school lunch and he was off at the crack of dawn. Making the return from Jo’burg to Pretoria one last time that late afternoon.

He was exhausted and went to take a nap. When I went to join him after finishing work for the day I woke him by mistake and ended up naked with makeup on. An experience my poor sheets had to recover from. After laying together in the late afternoon as if time had stopped for us he hurriedly went back to Jo’burg to see more family that evening and left in the same weekend. I savoured that last interaction though because he smells like heaven. Not from any artificial scent though, just his natural body scent that drives me to distraction even as I type this.

It has been just over two weeks since I last saw him and life has gotten in the way with work, school, and general obligations, but I do think about those encounters often.

There was a fundamental shift in how we related to each other recently. When we met almost 5 years ago, we were both at intersections of getting to know ourselves better. Self-development, break-ups, navigating therapy as well as trying to define what our next steps would be in terms of relationships and what they looked like for us.

Choosing not to do those things together shaped us very differently and led us to different avenues. Although only briefly spoken of, the idea of doing outside activities with each other came up. Both terrified me and excited me equally. After sitting with those emotions I realised it was because of the implications that it presented. We would be out together, doing stuff and not just building intimacy confined to my space.

Was this actually something that I wanted? How would that practically work? Would I be able to give a proper second chance to see if we could iron out things that did not initially work?

This, only time will tell.

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